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Entries in Life (1)

Wednesday
Jul132011

Revival

I'm a little jittery because there's a little too much caffeine and nicotine and too little food in my body right now. Then there's the guilt that I've been putting off, of not being here for a good few months, and the backlog of reviews still pending. But this blog is my party, I get to run it whatever way I like dammit.

Hi again, it's me again.

I don't think it's fair for drama schools to pump people's heads full of personal bullshit then just dump them with a 4 month long Summer break to deal with. I'm a little over half way through the Summer, and so far I've been keeping my brain preoccupied with unimportant sub-interests. Trouble is, my brain is increasingly capable of absorbing useless information, and so no matter how many new sources I throw at it, it still manages to find room for idleness.

Had these pursuits been forms of output instead of endless input, the story might have been different. And here lies the real problem, the one I've been dodging for as long as I can remember: What do I actually have to say? What exactly do I want to put out into the world? I've written some hundreds of thousands of words here on this blog and what has it all really been about?

***

On Loneliness:

It take a special kind of state of mind to actively push people away and still feel lonely at the end of it. I'm always so ready to reject people, which is incongruous with this sickening greed for affection. The truth of it is, so rarely do I find someone who resonates with me that when I find the few that do, I grapple for them like it's a lifeline, squeezing everything else out, until I squeeze the life out of it. In the process I forget that the other person might not feel as I do, and so I feel rejected in return. Slowly, my fear of having nothing to offer starts to give off the stink of desperation. For someone who prides herself on needing no one, I am cripplingly dependant.

On Love:

In reality, I'm completely out of practice. Through simulation, I'm an open wound. At this stage, my insurance papers against heartbreak is pretty much iron clad, never daring to touch anything resembling real. There's no actual purpose to this, except to be able to tell it "You can't hurt me". If I was reading this in a play I would immediately assume that this self destructive behaviour comes from someone who has been hurt before, but I know better.

That, and the fact that, really, I just don't like a lot of people.

All my past tendencies have clearly indicated that I am unwilling to settle, even for someone who worships me; especially, for someone who worships me.

I'm not unhappy with where I am, I just needed to straighten things out in my own head. Actually, after that cathartic sentence I feel strengthened in my limbo. I'm still waiting to lose my breath, and hoping to be able to recognise it when I do.

On Career:

My panel review with my teachers at the end of the last semester left me in a bit of a head spin. Eventhough everything that was said about my acting was complimentary, there just wasn't a terrible lot that was said about my acting. It took a little while for the sting of that imaginary backhand to wear off, and for me to take what was actually said at face value.

I had been faking it, my enthusiasm for theatre. I've been competent enough to get away with it this entire time but a few weeks into this Summer, something was made abundantly clear to me.

Film. Of course it's film. It's always been film. (And it only took something like Tree of Life for me to admit to it.) No theatre, no matter how obviously great, has ever made me feel that way. Granted, not much else in any medium has either. There's a reason that Cinema Studies lured me away from all my other chosen majors in my arts degree. There's a reason all my dreams come complete with camera shots and editing choices too.

This doesn't make what I want to do any easier, but having a clearer idea of where I want to go is comforting.

***

Somehow, through stringing all these confused thoughts into sentences, my nerves have calmed down. I'm almost ready to go to bed, and before 2am! Fancy that. Maybe I should come back to this more often.

I know what I don't want to put out into the world. There's that too.