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A week ago I hit that age where I told myself things would change. To hell with temporality, I'm finally done with all the life deterrence schemes I'd come up with, I have no choice but to actually live through something that resembles real life. Now here's the big secret that everyone knows - I have no idea how to do that.

The lists that I carry now say big scary things that I have no way of breaking down into manageable pieces. I don't do well with the big picture. The trip to LA did nothing more than splintering my heart yet again, tearing me in three opposing directions of wanting to be somewhere that's not right here.

Images of the possible lives I could be having keep running around in circles. I've been coddled by the comforts that I surround myself in and this feigned contentment. As long as I don't take root anywhere, then the possibility of everywhere is still there. But all that really means is I end up nowhere. I'm so used to slipping in and out of people's lives that I'm really not sure if I'm even capable of being a constant. Maybe my relationships are only buoyed up by distance and nostalgia. I'm unable to settle for right here because, frankly, here is an unbearably lonely place.

Do something. DO SOMETHING!

That's the refrain that I impotently yell at myself on a daily basis.

Displacement, detachment, defeat. Rinse, repeat.

Take comfort in the fact that I know I'm good at this; everything that I need to do. I know I'm capable. Everyone else seemed so assured of my inevitable success that I'm beginning to believe it too, and for the first time, I'm seeing myself in fragments of skill sets that would suggest that capacity.

After a few weeks of blissful transition and mental readjustment. I feel ready, again. Even though that blissful blip of breaking patterns and testing the waters to see if I can wear my heart outside of its iron wrought cage received its deserved swift kick, I now know the safe distance between that cage and my sleeves.

Tomorrow is a new week, I have a new list. Tomorrow, I'm going take steps that would leave firmer impressions on these grounds.


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