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Wednesday
Oct242012

Relentless, and how to be it.

I just took some sleeping medication that can make me go loopy. I intend on going to bed the moment I post this. If I start talking about carrot fingers, we'll know the culprit.

***

I found the common factor to pretty much every piece of music I've ever obsessed over. From Classical to Jazz, Swing to Pop, Rap to R'n'B, even goddamn kpop. Every song I've inexplicably had to hit pause and replay immediately has a relentless beat. I used to have this annoying habit of only being able to study to Bolero, not because Ravel was a particularly great composer; it's neither elegant nor complicated, but it has that something that keeps building and never lets up until the very last note when you can take a breath. I usually pause and repeat before that breath, so I can hold it in for longer. That one song I've listened to more times this Summer than every other song combined has the same quality of running uphill until there's nothing left to tread on.

Inertia, my all consuming fatal flaw. The only way I can get going is to keep going; the only way I can stop is if I collapse.

Reader, I have collapsed.

The post-graduation, post-summer, post-structure slum has finally caught up with me and I don't know how to get out of it. All my forced reboots have achieved nothing but accomplishing the day to day errands that ensure I'm still wearing clean clothes and have food in my stomach. How do you get a ball rolling when you can't even find the ball?

[paragraphs redacted due to despairing tone and my most loathed of all human qualities - self pity]

[paragraph describing how I feel much better now that all the poison has been spat out redacted due to the non-existence of previous redacted paragraphs]

It always helps to talk something through, or in this case, dumping it all into ones and zeros and just letting it sit there in the ether. Did you know that it's been 10 years since I first started blogging? That very first xanga site no longer exists so I don't know the exact date, but there it is. 10 years of vaguely oversharing, of seemingly baring it all but revealing next to nothing.

The hardest part of it all is not having my rally team behind me. The people I can text "steak?" at 3am and they will be at Chapelli's, waiting for me in half an hour. Nothing is more crippling than loneliness, and baby, I can write volumes on that subject.

The eternal optimist in me does possess that blind faith. If there is a way, I will find it. If I can see the pothole, I will side-step it. I am capable, goddammit. Give me a grain of sand, and I will turn it into that boulder which would impress you with its magnitude. Just give me the time I need to comb through this mess. I will find it.

Carrot fingers. It's time to shut this thing down.

Here's that song I've had on repeat for the past 4 months, served with a side of skateboarding.

Kilian Martin: Altered Route (a Skate Film) from mb! by Mercedes-Benz on Vimeo.

 

Seriously, someone buy me a camera already so I can just start filming things.

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References (11)

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  • Response
    Response: Arthur Falcone
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Response: Createurs de Luxe
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Response: Createurs de Luxe
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Response: Createurs de Luxe
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Response: Red Payments
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Response: Kion Kashefi
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Response: Brian Poe
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Response: Kion Kashefi
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.
  • Response
    Looking Glass - Alice Qin - Fragments - Relentless, and how to be it.

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